A Warning to All Women: Don't Stifle Your Man

I could write multiple posts about this, but let's start with this one.

Ladies! Has the man in your life ever wanted to do something by himself, like go skiing at Jackson Hole for the day, or backpacking for a week in the Tetons, and you shut him down? Then you are a goddamed, fucking, world-class, idiot.

Let me explain why.

The usual response of a woman, when a man says he wants to do something adventurous like that, is either (a) NOT to let him do it, or (b) to insist that he take you with him. Both of those are the wrong thing to do.

You see, a marriage (or a relationship) is supposed to be a partnership - usually a partnership of equals. And while you are now partners, you are also individuals. You don't surrender your individuality when you enter into this partnership. If you do, you surrender the very things that attracted the other person to you in the first place.

Not only that, but you don't surrender your freedom. A marriage or a relationship should give you a chance to grow and develop, not stifle you.

A man can't live his whole life stuck in a box. He needs to be able to stand up, stretch out, and run, screaming with wild abandon, through the open spaces of the world. If he can't do that, he becomes one of Thoreau's "mass of men, lead[ing] lives of quiet desperation."

And if you're the person who made him that way, then you might as well cut off his balls and put him on a leash. That's what you did to your dog. But you didn't join with this man because you wanted him for a pet. Did you? (If you did, then Woman, you deserve to die alone and lonely, in a dark, unheated apartment. Now.)

No, you got him because you loved the way that he was so manly, and did man things ambitious and adventurous. Why do you now want to stifle that? What gives you the authority to stifle it? You also got him because he treated you well, and did stuff for you, and encouraged you, and helped you to grow and blossom. IF YOU STOP HIM FROM DOING ALL THAT MANLY SHIT, HE WILL STOP DOING ALL THE OTHER SHIT AS WELL.

If you let your man go run that marathon, but you make sure he feels good and guilty about it, he will feel guilty on the way there, and he will start the marathon with an unnecessary load of stress. He will carry that guilt the whole time he's running. It will physically weigh him down, and he will not be at the top of his game. The distraction of the guilt may also impair his judgment, causing him to make some wrong (and possibly dangerous) decisions. And he will feel guilty all the way home. He will not look forward to seeing you, and in fact, he will fantasize about all the things he could do instead of going home to you.

If, worse, you don't let him go, if you make him stay home, he will brood about it - not just for the day or the week, but for a long, LONG time afterward. He may not show it, but it's there. This one disappointment and frustration will permanently change him, subtly altering his thought patterns and his behavior - and his feelings towards you. Is that what you wanted? Because that's what you got.

And what the hell? He indulges you, all the time. More than that, he encourages you. He never holds you back - and sometimes he even pushes you, in your timid moments. He only wants to see you happy, successful, and satisified. Why can't you do the same for him? In stifling him, you have revealed yourself as a selfish, hypocritical Queen Bitch.

Let me tell you what will happen, if you keep doing this to him. If you keep stifling him, burdening him, emasculating him, he will begin to resent you. One day you will wake up and wonder what happened to the man who used to worship the ground you walked on. Because by then, his resentment will have grown and grown, and it will have morphed into hatred - hatred that dwarfs the contempt that you have felt for him for so long. AND YOU DESERVE IT.

On the other hand, if you willingly and enthusiastically let your man stretch out once in a while, to do some man stuff by himself or with his manly buddies, he will come running back to you, with increased respect and gratitude for your support and encouragement, and more devoted to you than before.

It's your choice. And it's a pretty obvious choice. Don't be an idiot.

Dealing with the Customer From Hell: the DMV, part 2

Just before lunchtime, the two police officers who had responded to the morning's incident came in and asked to speak to the clerk who had fired the gun.

"How is he?" she asked, as she handed over the chrome-plated revolver.

"The chief? He says he never had so much fun in his life," said one of them, in a low voice. "The squibs we got from the community theatre worked perfectly. When we were wheeling him out, he was having trouble keeping his eyes closed and not laughing."

"We should do this every week," said the other cop. Looking at the crowd waiting meekly in the waiting room, he observed, "It looks like it worked really well."

"Yeah," said the clerk, "But if you do it too often, they get used to it."

"Soooo," said the first one, "Lunch? The chief's buying."

"Deal," said the clerk. She grabbed her purse, gave the other clerks the high sign, and left with the two officers.

Dealing with the Customer From Hell: the DMV

It was a busy day at the Motor Vehicle Registration department. The waiting room was full of people cluttching their numbers and scanning the "NOW BEING SERVED" display above the door, waiting impatiently for their number to come up. Most of them weren't happy to be there, having put off this errand for as long as they could. The mood in the room was ugly. Most of them customers took the chance to take out their bad feelings on the clerks behind the counters in the next room.

At one point, a guy with an old corduroy jacket and a plaid flannel shirt stood up, muttered "finally!" and stomped into the next room. He sat at a desk opposite a slightly overweight woman in her 30s. She had short, dark hair and an expression that pleaded with him not to be the next person who dumped on her.

Too bad. What should have been a simple renewal of a truck license escalated quickly into a shouting match, simply because the guy refused to do what everybody else before him had to do, in order to renew the license. Sure, it was bureaucratic and onerous, but it wasn't the clerk's fault. In only a couple of minutes, he was standing, waving his fists in the air, and condemning the clerk and the entire DMV to hell. He was in the middle of questioning her education and her parents' intelligence when everything changed at once.

The clerk stood up, pulled open a desk drawer, pulled out an old-West-style revolver, and shot the man - twice, right in the chest. He didn't even have time to react. One moment he was yelling, and the next moment he crumpled to the ground and lay there, like a 230-pound rag doll.

The waiting customers screamed. A few of them ran out the front door and didn't return. Those who remained whispered among themselves in fear. The other clerks, startled by the noise, looked up and saw what had happened, then chose to just sit there and watch the aftermath. The customers they were serving looked from their clerks, to the clerk with the gun, to the body on the floor, and then back to their clerks.

In less than a minute, two police officers and two paramedics ran through the front door, pushing a gurney. By this time, the clerk had put her gun away and closed the drawer. Still standing, she watched as the four men muscled the guy onto the gurney and rushed him out the door.

The clerk sat down, straightened the papers on her desk, and muttered, "Asshole." Then she barked "NEXT!" and pressed the button to advance the "NOW BEING SERVED" number on the display.

The customers who remained were quiet and polite, conducting their business and leaving as quickly as possible. Word of the incident passed in whispers to the new customers who came in, and the rest of the morning was busy, but peaceful.