To scream it at the top of my lungs, even.
Except that it's not the dress. Or the pants. Or the booty shorts. It's not the yoga pants (although yes, yoga pants do make any woman's ass look big, even an ass so small that a man can hold both cheeks in one hand). No, it's something more, um, fundamental than that:
The thong.
I'm going to sidestep the whole issue about whether a thong is comfortable or sexy, or whether its ability to eliminate panty lines justifies its existence (although a whale tail is infinitely uglier than panty lines will ever be). I can spend another whole article talking about all of the reasons why I hate thongs. But today I want to focus on this one thing.
See, my lady and I just went out shopping for party dresses. She doesn't want to dress skanky, like all those college girls you see down at the club trying to impress the fratboys. So we were looking at classy party dresses. But after seeing her model a few dozen of them, and hearing this question from OVER and OVER, I finally have an answer.
Whether your thong is an undergarment, or the bottom half of a two-piece swimsuit, the simple fact is that YOUR THONG MAKES YOUR ASS LOOK LIKE TWO, TEN-POUND BAGS OF RAW SAUSAGE FILLING, PURCHASED IN BULK FROM THE LOCAL DELI AND HUNG IN YOUR FRONT WINDOW (okay, rear window) FOR DISPLAY.
That's not sexy. It's not even attractive. And it's about a thousand miles from "cute."
Granny panties (or "classic briefs," in the illustration above) make your ass look big. High-cut panties distract the attention from your ass and focus it on your hips instead. Still not a good thing.
But a thong makes your sweet little ass look FUCKING HUGE. Why don't you just do yourself a favor, live with the panty lines, and wear bikini briefs or boyshorts?
Bikini briefs and boyshorts minimize your ass, no matter what its original size. And even if they don't minimize it, at least they don't draw attention to it.
And if you insist on wearing that thong, and you model a hot little party dress for your boy, and you ask him that immortal question, don't be surprised if he says:
"No, that dress doesn't make your ass look big. Your THONG makes your ass look big!"
An afterthought: And if you are going to wear that dress to a party, don't even think about going commando. Doing so shows enormous disrespect for the man in your life. And if you think your vajayjay is so pretty that you want to show it off to the world, well baby, I've only seen two pretty pussies in my life. Yours isn't one of them. You ain't gonna score any points by showing it to me.
