I think that everybody on earth is here for a reason.
For example, Nancy Grace's purpose in life is to be someone that the rest of us can hate, so we don't have to hate our mothers-in-law, our stepsisters, or the bitchy neighbor lady. That's the only reason I can think of for Nancy Grace to exist. But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.
My reason for being on earth? I'm not sure how to say this without sounding like a total perv, or a 19-year-old fratboy. Because this is a selfless comment, even though it will sound totally self-serving.
My mission in life is to make women feel good by playing with their boobs.
Most of my readers won't understand this. But if you're one of those women who really enjoys it when somebody (especially a man) caresses your breasts and teases or sucks on your nipples, then you'll understand.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Why "You're in America, so Speak English" is a Pile of Bullshit
Boole Sheet
One of the world's great logicians was a man named George Boole, an Englishman who lived from 1815 to 1864, and who is honored, among other things as the father of computer science.
A philosophy professor once developed a worksheet for students to use to trace the logical flow of complicated arguments. He called it a Boole Sheet, in honor of George Boole. Sometimes this worksheet would become so complicated that it looked like a herd of cockroaches had had pencil leads tied to their asses and been released to scurry all over the paper. The logic was impossible to follow, and the argument was said to have filled an entire Boole Sheet.
The expression was eventually shortened to "That argument is full of Boole Sheet." And there you have it.
Okay, that story isn't true at all. The only part that is true is the short biography of George Boole. But if you say "bullshit" with a Spanish accent, it sounds like "boole sheet." And for some reason, that's relevant to the subject of this (non-fiction) article.
Boole Sheet and "Speak English"
In San Francisco's Chinatown, you will find many people age 30 and older who do not speak English. They have never needed to.
I love this one. I salivate every time I hear this one, because I want to chew the speaker's ass off.
So, what now?
One of the world's great logicians was a man named George Boole, an Englishman who lived from 1815 to 1864, and who is honored, among other things as the father of computer science.
A philosophy professor once developed a worksheet for students to use to trace the logical flow of complicated arguments. He called it a Boole Sheet, in honor of George Boole. Sometimes this worksheet would become so complicated that it looked like a herd of cockroaches had had pencil leads tied to their asses and been released to scurry all over the paper. The logic was impossible to follow, and the argument was said to have filled an entire Boole Sheet.
The expression was eventually shortened to "That argument is full of Boole Sheet." And there you have it.
Okay, that story isn't true at all. The only part that is true is the short biography of George Boole. But if you say "bullshit" with a Spanish accent, it sounds like "boole sheet." And for some reason, that's relevant to the subject of this (non-fiction) article.
Boole Sheet and "Speak English"
One of the biggest pieces of bullshit in the U.S. today (not counting anything that comes out of the White House or the Capitol Building in D.C.) is the "Speak English" movement. Its basic premise is that English is the official language of this nation, and therefore anybody who wants to live here should speak English. Proponents point to the large number of immigrants who have become successful in America precisely because they learned to speak English. They point to the Chinese and Japanese immigrants, whose children can speak English even before they get here. And they point to the fact that the founding documents and governing documents of this nation are, and have always been, written in English.
But when all is said and done, they always come back to their basic premise: "You're in America, so speak English.
Here are four counterarguments to that basic premise. You may dismiss some of these arguments as disingenuous, but they're meant to show that some of "Speak English" arguments are too simplistic.
But when all is said and done, they always come back to their basic premise: "You're in America, so speak English.
Here are four counterarguments to that basic premise. You may dismiss some of these arguments as disingenuous, but they're meant to show that some of "Speak English" arguments are too simplistic.
1. America is a big place.
America is two continents, connected by an isthmus. And a few hundred islands. There are 23 countries in North America, and 12 in South America. The vast majority of these countries (and people!) do not speak English. They speak Spanish, Portuguese, and French. Even the largest three countries in North America, have three official languages: English, French, and Spanish. So when you say "This is America," you're painting with too broad a brush.
Outside of the U.S., when people say "America," they mean "North and South America." If you mean "the United States of America," then say so.
However, for the rest of this article, we'll slip back into the vernacular usage, and depend on sentence context to make our meaning clear.
Outside of the U.S., when people say "America," they mean "North and South America." If you mean "the United States of America," then say so.
However, for the rest of this article, we'll slip back into the vernacular usage, and depend on sentence context to make our meaning clear.
2. "Learn to speak English, you immigrant. My (immigrant) ancestors did." Um, not all of them did.
Cheech and Chong's parody movie and song, "Born in East L.A.," illustrates the fact that some second- and third-generation Americans (back to the vernacular usage of the term) grew up speaking Spanish. While most of them are bilingual, some can speak only Spanish. It's not their fault. They have never needed to speak English.
In San Francisco's Chinatown, you will find many people age 30 and older who do not speak English. They have never needed to.
I do agree that if you're going to speak English, you should speak good English, not the doggerel that passes for a local or ethnic dialect. But that's not an immigration issue.
3. "We were here first." NO, YOU WEREN'T.
I love this one. I salivate every time I hear this one, because I want to chew the speaker's ass off.
I used to work with a man of Hispanic descent. His family had lived for generations on a ranch near Pueblo, Colorado. When you asked him where his ancestors were from, he said "Mexico." But then he will tell you that they have lived on the same land for 300 years.
Confused? Go look at the maps in your history book. Until February, 1848, the area now known as Pueblo, Colorado was part of Mexico. My co-worker's grandmother still has the original land grant from the king of Spain, deeding the property to her ancestors hundreds of years before. They have never moved, but wars have been fought and boundaries have been redrawn, so that what was once in Mexico is now in the U.S.A. But his family are not immigrants. They are a powerful rebuttal to the "Speak our language, because we were here first" argument. And they are not the only ones. There's an even more ancient claim.
Confused? Go look at the maps in your history book. Until February, 1848, the area now known as Pueblo, Colorado was part of Mexico. My co-worker's grandmother still has the original land grant from the king of Spain, deeding the property to her ancestors hundreds of years before. They have never moved, but wars have been fought and boundaries have been redrawn, so that what was once in Mexico is now in the U.S.A. But his family are not immigrants. They are a powerful rebuttal to the "Speak our language, because we were here first" argument. And they are not the only ones. There's an even more ancient claim.
Until 1831, the Cherokee Indian nation was a confederation of legal entities known as the Five Civilized Tribes. They lived in what is now the southeastern United States. Modern Americans still think of American Indians as savages on horseback, living a relatively uncivilized life. The Five Civilized Tribes did not fit this picture at all. They adopted European ways almost as soon as they met the Europeans. They wore European-style clothing. They had brick buildings with glass windows and fireplaces. They even had European-style outhouses. They were an autonomous society, with their own government, judicial system, language, monetary system, economy, commerce, schools, police, and so on. Then the U.S. government decided they wanted the land the Cherokees legally owned, and so in 1831 they moved them at gunpoint to what is now Oklahoma. Of the 130,000 Cherokees who were forcibly relocated, 60,000 died en route. The U.S. government tried to eradicate their language and other institutions, and to force them to learn English. I doubt that the "We were here first" argument would have saved the Cherokee nation.
4. They're here to stay. "Thank you, muchas gracias."
The immigrants are here to stay, whether you like it or not. Most of them are not taking jobs from Americans. Oh, they are getting jobs all right, but the jobs they're taking are ones that Americans are too proud (or lazy, or chicken) to take and do not want. Most of those workers are legal immigrants or have legal work permits, and have the paperwork to prove it.
So how should we treat them? With courtesy! They're human beings, with families to care for and mouths to feed, just like you. If they perform a service for you, they should be treated the same way you treat your stockbroker or your real estate agent. But let's add a twist to it. Now, listen carefully, you stupid, self-absorbed Americans!
If you can tell that the person who has assisted you speaks Spanish, then you say "Thank you." And then, in the same breath you say, without pause, "Muchas gracias." You're not showing off your language skills, or your superiority over them; on the contrary, you are simply and sincerely acknowledging their humanity.
It's that simple.
If you can tell that the person who has assisted you speaks Spanish, then you say "Thank you." And then, in the same breath you say, without pause, "Muchas gracias." You're not showing off your language skills, or your superiority over them; on the contrary, you are simply and sincerely acknowledging their humanity.
It's that simple.
So, what now?
The world is a big place, and English is not the only language spoken in the civilized or free world. If you want to become a citizen of the world, then learn to speak a second language. I suggest that Spanish is the most immediately useful second language for you to learn. Expecting everyone else to learn English is unrealistic and selfish, and any justification for doing so is just a pile of Boole Sheet.
Why Men Cheat on Their Wives - My View
Why do men cheat on their wives? What is it that makes an honorable man, one who promised to "love, honor and cherish" his wife, to "cleave unto her and none else ... for as long as we both shall live," end up in the arms of another woman?
This isn't about men who enter marriage with a propensity to cheat. This is about men who enter marriage with the intention to remain faithful until death, and end up cheating on their wives.
Five Really Important Reasons
1. Sex was too much work.
Let's get this one out of the way first.
Not all men who take Viagra need it for an underlying physical problem. They may think they do. But often, the process of getting the wife interested, then aroused, then finally orgasmic, is too much work, and Mr. Willy is exhausted long before it's over.
The man thinks that the problem is in his equipment, and that he needs the little blue pill - until he gives into temptation and has sex with another woman. Then he finds out that he's still got it, and he realizes that the problem is not him, but his wife.
But you know what? It's not about the sex. It really isn't. Most real men will admit, honestly, that they could live without sex if they got the other things they crave most from the woman they love: respect, affection, approval, affirmation, and even a little attention once in a while.
2. She abandoned him first.
Some women are affectionate, attentive, and all that until they get married. Then when they've got their man they think they don't need to do all that stuff anymore. These women ignore their men and become obsessed with:
In every one of these cases, the fact is that the woman has physically and emotionally abandoned her husband in favor of something else. He is made to feel totally useless, superfluous, and in the way - often his presence or his needs are even an annoyance.
Any woman who makes her husband feel this way deserves to lose him.
In response to this abandonment, some men take up fishing, mountain climbing, or other hobbies where the wife will never notice or care about his absence. Don't be surprised if Another Woman is one of those hobbies.
(That last one, "raising the kids?" Yes, it hurts the man, but it causes lifelong damage to the kids as well. This idea is worthy of its own blog article, not a paragraph in this one. But a woman who has abandoned her husband for her children deserves neither.)
3. "The dog gets more love than I do."
You would be dismayed at how many times this happens.
The husband takes the dog for a walk, to the doggy wash, or the kennel. When he returns with the dog, the wife showers the dog with attention, all that stupid baby talk and petting and snuggling, and of course the dog is wagging its tail, panting and whimpering with delight, licking her hand and nuzzling her the whole time. Then when she's finished with the dog, she glances at her husband, says, "Bill called. And the kitchen garbage needs to go out," then turns and walks away.
At night, they're relaxing in the living room, watching TV. The wife is snuggled up next to the dog, caressing it, running her fingers through its fur, and kissing it on the forehead. The husband sits on her other side, getting nothing but (literally) the cold shoulder.
Call it jealousy, if you want. But such favoritism or obliviousness on the wife's part is inexcusable.
4. He's not good enough for her, and never will be.
We make fun of the stereotype. We use it to get laughs in sitcoms, and to sell products in commercials. I'm talking about the stupid husband. The clueless husband. The ugly husband. The lazy husband.
Okay, there are a lot of those. Stereotypes tend to mirror reality. But stereotypes are based on perception, not reality, and they misrepresent a large portion of the population.
There are a lot of men out there who are trying really hard to be good men and good husbands, and they cannot seem to get a break. Their wives constantly belittle their best efforts. They argue with them and correct them, even when the men are right. (I have never been able to understand why women do that.) They interrupt them, talk over them, or just talk so much that the man can't get a word in without a crowbar.
They make fun of them, tease them, and hurt their feelings, for their own amusement or, worse, for the amusement of others. Sometimes they'll try to shrug off the teasing with "I'm just kidding! You know I love you, don't you?" Bullshit.
They pick fights with their husbands, even when the men don't want to fight. They take offense where none was intended. They find fault with EVERY SINGLE THING their husbands do and say.
When a faithful, well-intentioned man starts getting attention, approval and caring from a different woman, and he realizes that not every woman in the world is like the Queen Bitch his bride turned out to be, you can bet the last dollar in your wallet that he will start spending time with that other woman, and it will turn into something more intimate and fulfilling than anything his wife can offer him.
And even though that (formerly) faithful, well-intentioned man will feel all the guilt of cheating on his wife, and will carry the weight of all that guilt on his shoulders, it is his wife's fault, not his.
What to Do About It
I have seen committed couples work their way through chronic sickness, chronic severe pain, and even Alzheimer's Disease. The men remained faithful to their wives. Why? Of course, we can credit the character and integrity of the men, but I know the women as well, and the women never let their illness or pain overpower their love for their men. One of the most faithful, committed couples I know includes a woman whose bipolar disorder is sometimes physically debilitating. Yet she always treats her husband with consideration and gratitude.
I have seen couples who have been married 50 years or more, who act like newlyweds. No, not physically. But I've watched the woman get as excited as a schoolgirl while she waits for her husband to come home from a meeting or an trip.
One of the couples I really admire doesn't fit into either of those two molds. They're a very calm, very normal couple, married for 20 or 30 years. For all those years, every single day of their marriage, she has treated her husband as a human being, as someone of value and worthy of her respect.
Women, that's what you can do. A husband isn't a fish that you can catch. You can't put him on a stringer or in the freezer, or consume him and throw away the bones, or put him on the wall as a trophy. If that's what you have done to your husband, then you don't deserve him.
Equal Time for the Women
I know that if the genders were switched in this article, it would be an equally valid article entitled "Why Women Cheat on Their Husbands." But there are a lot more good women than good men in the world, and I thought that someone should speak up in defense of the good men - even those who end up straying - before the women drive them to extinction.
----------------------
UPDATE: Here's a pingback to Matt Walsh's blog entry on society condoning the shitty way women treat the men in their lives. It's worth reading, even if you're a liberal. I posted a comment there on Feb 24 at 3:53 p.m. http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/02/22/your-husband-doesnt-have-to-earn-your-respect/
ANOTHER UPDATE: That Matt Walsh link doesn't work anymore. It looks like Matt restructured his website when I wasn't looking. The original link to the Feb 22, 2014, article is now https://themattwalshblog.com/your-husband-doesnt-have-to-earn-your-respect/. Matt did follow it up with another article on Dec 14, 2017: https://themattwalshblog.com/effective-way-destroy-husband-ruin-marriage-encourage-infidelity/, which pretty much repeats what I've said here - and in other posts I've made since this one was originally published.
I don't agree with everything Matt posts on his blog (and it's okay that we disagree, by the way), but we definitely see eye to eye on this topic.
This isn't about men who enter marriage with a propensity to cheat. This is about men who enter marriage with the intention to remain faithful until death, and end up cheating on their wives.
Five Really Important Reasons
1. Sex was too much work.
Let's get this one out of the way first.
Not all men who take Viagra need it for an underlying physical problem. They may think they do. But often, the process of getting the wife interested, then aroused, then finally orgasmic, is too much work, and Mr. Willy is exhausted long before it's over.
The man thinks that the problem is in his equipment, and that he needs the little blue pill - until he gives into temptation and has sex with another woman. Then he finds out that he's still got it, and he realizes that the problem is not him, but his wife.
But you know what? It's not about the sex. It really isn't. Most real men will admit, honestly, that they could live without sex if they got the other things they crave most from the woman they love: respect, affection, approval, affirmation, and even a little attention once in a while.
2. She abandoned him first.
Some women are affectionate, attentive, and all that until they get married. Then when they've got their man they think they don't need to do all that stuff anymore. These women ignore their men and become obsessed with:
- a new job
- an education
- a church group, the PTA, running for elected office, and so on
- a project - from something as simple as scrapbooking to something as big as writing a new bestseller or starting a new business
- raising the kids
In every one of these cases, the fact is that the woman has physically and emotionally abandoned her husband in favor of something else. He is made to feel totally useless, superfluous, and in the way - often his presence or his needs are even an annoyance.
Any woman who makes her husband feel this way deserves to lose him.
In response to this abandonment, some men take up fishing, mountain climbing, or other hobbies where the wife will never notice or care about his absence. Don't be surprised if Another Woman is one of those hobbies.
(That last one, "raising the kids?" Yes, it hurts the man, but it causes lifelong damage to the kids as well. This idea is worthy of its own blog article, not a paragraph in this one. But a woman who has abandoned her husband for her children deserves neither.)
3. "The dog gets more love than I do."
You would be dismayed at how many times this happens.
The husband takes the dog for a walk, to the doggy wash, or the kennel. When he returns with the dog, the wife showers the dog with attention, all that stupid baby talk and petting and snuggling, and of course the dog is wagging its tail, panting and whimpering with delight, licking her hand and nuzzling her the whole time. Then when she's finished with the dog, she glances at her husband, says, "Bill called. And the kitchen garbage needs to go out," then turns and walks away.
At night, they're relaxing in the living room, watching TV. The wife is snuggled up next to the dog, caressing it, running her fingers through its fur, and kissing it on the forehead. The husband sits on her other side, getting nothing but (literally) the cold shoulder.
Call it jealousy, if you want. But such favoritism or obliviousness on the wife's part is inexcusable.
4. He's not good enough for her, and never will be.
We make fun of the stereotype. We use it to get laughs in sitcoms, and to sell products in commercials. I'm talking about the stupid husband. The clueless husband. The ugly husband. The lazy husband.
Okay, there are a lot of those. Stereotypes tend to mirror reality. But stereotypes are based on perception, not reality, and they misrepresent a large portion of the population.
There are a lot of men out there who are trying really hard to be good men and good husbands, and they cannot seem to get a break. Their wives constantly belittle their best efforts. They argue with them and correct them, even when the men are right. (I have never been able to understand why women do that.) They interrupt them, talk over them, or just talk so much that the man can't get a word in without a crowbar.
They make fun of them, tease them, and hurt their feelings, for their own amusement or, worse, for the amusement of others. Sometimes they'll try to shrug off the teasing with "I'm just kidding! You know I love you, don't you?" Bullshit.
They pick fights with their husbands, even when the men don't want to fight. They take offense where none was intended. They find fault with EVERY SINGLE THING their husbands do and say.
When a faithful, well-intentioned man starts getting attention, approval and caring from a different woman, and he realizes that not every woman in the world is like the Queen Bitch his bride turned out to be, you can bet the last dollar in your wallet that he will start spending time with that other woman, and it will turn into something more intimate and fulfilling than anything his wife can offer him.
And even though that (formerly) faithful, well-intentioned man will feel all the guilt of cheating on his wife, and will carry the weight of all that guilt on his shoulders, it is his wife's fault, not his.
What to Do About It
I have seen committed couples work their way through chronic sickness, chronic severe pain, and even Alzheimer's Disease. The men remained faithful to their wives. Why? Of course, we can credit the character and integrity of the men, but I know the women as well, and the women never let their illness or pain overpower their love for their men. One of the most faithful, committed couples I know includes a woman whose bipolar disorder is sometimes physically debilitating. Yet she always treats her husband with consideration and gratitude.
I have seen couples who have been married 50 years or more, who act like newlyweds. No, not physically. But I've watched the woman get as excited as a schoolgirl while she waits for her husband to come home from a meeting or an trip.
One of the couples I really admire doesn't fit into either of those two molds. They're a very calm, very normal couple, married for 20 or 30 years. For all those years, every single day of their marriage, she has treated her husband as a human being, as someone of value and worthy of her respect.
Women, that's what you can do. A husband isn't a fish that you can catch. You can't put him on a stringer or in the freezer, or consume him and throw away the bones, or put him on the wall as a trophy. If that's what you have done to your husband, then you don't deserve him.
Equal Time for the Women
I know that if the genders were switched in this article, it would be an equally valid article entitled "Why Women Cheat on Their Husbands." But there are a lot more good women than good men in the world, and I thought that someone should speak up in defense of the good men - even those who end up straying - before the women drive them to extinction.
----------------------
UPDATE: Here's a pingback to Matt Walsh's blog entry on society condoning the shitty way women treat the men in their lives. It's worth reading, even if you're a liberal. I posted a comment there on Feb 24 at 3:53 p.m. http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/02/22/your-husband-doesnt-have-to-earn-your-respect/
ANOTHER UPDATE: That Matt Walsh link doesn't work anymore. It looks like Matt restructured his website when I wasn't looking. The original link to the Feb 22, 2014, article is now https://themattwalshblog.com/your-husband-doesnt-have-to-earn-your-respect/. Matt did follow it up with another article on Dec 14, 2017: https://themattwalshblog.com/effective-way-destroy-husband-ruin-marriage-encourage-infidelity/, which pretty much repeats what I've said here - and in other posts I've made since this one was originally published.
I don't agree with everything Matt posts on his blog (and it's okay that we disagree, by the way), but we definitely see eye to eye on this topic.
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