How to tell if you're too fat: a rule of thumb

Look: I'm not judging fat people, okay? Some very cool people also happen to be fat. It doesn't make them any less cool. So DON'T use this rule of thumb to judge other people. Only use it to judge yourself.

Here's the rule of thumb.

Get buck naked, like in the shower. Stand up straight. Now bend your neck and tip your head down, so your chin is touching your chest. Look straight down.

CHICKS: If your belly sticks out further than your tits, you're too fat.

DUDES: If you can't see your (relaxed) dick cuz your belly is in the way, you're too fat.

This works for all body types, and all sizes and shapes. All of the exceptions you can think of? They don't matter. If this rule of thumb tells you you're too fat, and you disagree, then go try the Body Mass Index (BMI) Calculator at http://www.bmi-calculator.net/. It'll tell you the same thing - every time.

A Warning to All Women: Don't Stifle Your Man

I could write multiple posts about this, but let's start with this one.

Ladies! Has the man in your life ever wanted to do something by himself, like go skiing at Jackson Hole for the day, or backpacking for a week in the Tetons, and you shut him down? Then you are a goddamed, fucking, world-class, idiot.

Let me explain why.

The usual response of a woman, when a man says he wants to do something adventurous like that, is either (a) NOT to let him do it, or (b) to insist that he take you with him. Both of those are the wrong thing to do.

You see, a marriage (or a relationship) is supposed to be a partnership - usually a partnership of equals. And while you are now partners, you are also individuals. You don't surrender your individuality when you enter into this partnership. If you do, you surrender the very things that attracted the other person to you in the first place.

Not only that, but you don't surrender your freedom. A marriage or a relationship should give you a chance to grow and develop, not stifle you.

A man can't live his whole life stuck in a box. He needs to be able to stand up, stretch out, and run, screaming with wild abandon, through the open spaces of the world. If he can't do that, he becomes one of Thoreau's "mass of men, lead[ing] lives of quiet desperation."

And if you're the person who made him that way, then you might as well cut off his balls and put him on a leash. That's what you did to your dog. But you didn't join with this man because you wanted him for a pet. Did you? (If you did, then Woman, you deserve to die alone and lonely, in a dark, unheated apartment. Now.)

No, you got him because you loved the way that he was so manly, and did man things ambitious and adventurous. Why do you now want to stifle that? What gives you the authority to stifle it? You also got him because he treated you well, and did stuff for you, and encouraged you, and helped you to grow and blossom. IF YOU STOP HIM FROM DOING ALL THAT MANLY SHIT, HE WILL STOP DOING ALL THE OTHER SHIT AS WELL.

If you let your man go run that marathon, but you make sure he feels good and guilty about it, he will feel guilty on the way there, and he will start the marathon with an unnecessary load of stress. He will carry that guilt the whole time he's running. It will physically weigh him down, and he will not be at the top of his game. The distraction of the guilt may also impair his judgment, causing him to make some wrong (and possibly dangerous) decisions. And he will feel guilty all the way home. He will not look forward to seeing you, and in fact, he will fantasize about all the things he could do instead of going home to you.

If, worse, you don't let him go, if you make him stay home, he will brood about it - not just for the day or the week, but for a long, LONG time afterward. He may not show it, but it's there. This one disappointment and frustration will permanently change him, subtly altering his thought patterns and his behavior - and his feelings towards you. Is that what you wanted? Because that's what you got.

And what the hell? He indulges you, all the time. More than that, he encourages you. He never holds you back - and sometimes he even pushes you, in your timid moments. He only wants to see you happy, successful, and satisified. Why can't you do the same for him? In stifling him, you have revealed yourself as a selfish, hypocritical Queen Bitch.

Let me tell you what will happen, if you keep doing this to him. If you keep stifling him, burdening him, emasculating him, he will begin to resent you. One day you will wake up and wonder what happened to the man who used to worship the ground you walked on. Because by then, his resentment will have grown and grown, and it will have morphed into hatred - hatred that dwarfs the contempt that you have felt for him for so long. AND YOU DESERVE IT.

On the other hand, if you willingly and enthusiastically let your man stretch out once in a while, to do some man stuff by himself or with his manly buddies, he will come running back to you, with increased respect and gratitude for your support and encouragement, and more devoted to you than before.

It's your choice. And it's a pretty obvious choice. Don't be an idiot.

Why I Am Here

I think that everybody on earth is here for a reason.

For example, Nancy Grace's purpose in life is to be someone that the rest of us can hate, so we don't have to hate our mothers-in-law, our stepsisters, or the bitchy neighbor lady. That's the only reason I can think of for Nancy Grace to exist. But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.

My reason for being on earth? I'm not sure how to say this without sounding like a total perv, or a 19-year-old fratboy. Because this is a selfless comment, even though it will sound totally self-serving.

My mission in life is to make women feel good by playing with their boobs.

Most of my readers won't understand this. But if you're one of those women who really enjoys it when somebody (especially a man) caresses your breasts and teases or sucks on your nipples, then you'll understand.