How to tell if you're too fat: a rule of thumb

Look: I'm not judging fat people, okay? Some very cool people also happen to be fat. It doesn't make them any less cool. So DON'T use this rule of thumb to judge other people. Only use it to judge yourself.

Here's the rule of thumb.

Get buck naked, like in the shower. Stand up straight. Now bend your neck and tip your head down, so your chin is touching your chest. Look straight down.

CHICKS: If your belly sticks out further than your tits, you're too fat.

DUDES: If you can't see your (relaxed) dick cuz your belly is in the way, you're too fat.

This works for all body types, and all sizes and shapes. All of the exceptions you can think of? They don't matter. If this rule of thumb tells you you're too fat, and you disagree, then go try the Body Mass Index (BMI) Calculator at http://www.bmi-calculator.net/. It'll tell you the same thing - every time.

On making observations out loud

We are constantly making observations about our fellow travelers on this rocky orb, Sometimes we impulsively blurt those observations out loud. The words we choose to articulate our observations matter more than we think.

"Whoa! You're cold!" is, at its core, a value judgment, or at least the announcement of a defect in the other person. It states the obvious, and it does nothing to help the cold person feel better (or warmer). Implied in the observation is the smug, self-satisfied other shoe: "... but I'm not."

On the other hand, "Whoa! I need to warm you up or something!" is at once an expression of concern, an offer to serve, and an invitation to play. It proposes a solution to the obvious problem, and it offers the hope of making the cold person feel better. It is absolutely selfless.

"Whoa! You're beautiful!" also states the obvious, but sometimes the beauty is not obvious to the beautiful person, and the statement always makes the beautiful person feel good. Therefore, it's okay to say this, over and over and over again.

We often blurt out these "Whoa! You're ..." observations. Ugly, cute, sleepy, tired, fat, skinny, white, tanned, Chinese, covered with freckles, grumpy, well-fed, well-mannered, ill-mannered ... and the list goes on and on. Why? Why do we even bother?

I wish I'd figured this out years ago.

The next time you can't help yourself and you blurt out an observation like that, reflect on your words. Ask yourself why you said that out loud, and what its purpose was. Figure out whether you should have said it at all (and if not, I hope you feel fucking stupid), or whether you could have chosen different words for a different purpose. Resolve to do better next time.

Choose your words carefully. You have NO IDEA how much power they have. One of my friends put this on his Facebook page: "Words have power. They have the power to build and to destroy, to hurt and to heal. Those who do not understand this concept should not be allowed to use them."