Still another warning to women: Stop telling him what to do all the time!

Hello ladies!

Here I am again, with some more helpful advice on dealing with men.

I'm sure there's a man in your life who, for whatever reason, is very important to you. Maybe you're related to him. Or maybe you're in love with him. Or maybe, for some other reason, you find yourself emotionally invested in his life.

In his success, if you will.

Therefore, you feel justified in telling him what to do.

I don't mean dropping subtle hints, because you've already tried that and it doesn't work.

I don't mean gentle nudges, because you've tried that and it doesn't work, either.

And I don't mean crafty manipulation.

I mean outright telling him to do this, and to do that.

And sometimes getting frustrated with him, and yelling at him to do this or that.

Have you ever wondered how he got so far in life without your help?

The stereotypical view of adult males is that they're shallow, shortsighted, self-centered, superficial, and — oh, yes — forgetful. They need a woman's help to find their car keys, straighten their tie, decide what to do tomorrow, and decide what to do for the rest of their life.

Do you know who created that stereotype? Stereotypical women did. Do you know who believes in that stereotype, and who perpetuates it? You do.

You know, most men are deep thinkers. They just gave up trying to tell you what they were thinking, because you wouldn't listen. Or you wouldn't believe them. Or you belittled what they had to say. Or  you tried to make it all about you.

Likewise, most men don't make decisions on the spur of the moment. They put a lot of thought into their decisions, weighing options carefully. They know that, whatever decision they make, it's going to make somebody unhappy. This causes them untold agony, which they must bury and keep hidden, and just move on with their decisions.

They shouldn't have to justify their choices to you. Why do you make them do that? They get enough of that shit at work. Who made you their off-the-clock bosses?

Moreover, when you ask them why, and they tell you why, their explanation (or justification, if you'd rather) isn't good enough for you. You keep wanting to go deeper and deeper and deeper. You don't know when to stop. Eventually, he realizes that no answer he can give you will be satisfactory, and so he stops wasting his time trying. He shuts up.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot for a paragraph. These men respect you and they (well, most of them) support you in the things you choose to do. Some of them even love you, unconditionally. They will go out of their way to make things easier for you and to make you successful. Why in hell can't you do the same thing for them?

Now take a step back and look at the Long View. These men have been making their own decisions for years: getting up on time, getting themselves dressed, going to the bathroom all by themselves, pouring their own breakfast cereal, getting a driver's license, registering for college classes, applying for graduation, hunting  down jobs, buying cars and houses — and they did it all without your help.

1. Give the man some credit for having a brain.
2. Tell me why you think that the man needs you to tell  him what to do.

Now, granted, there are some men who can't seem to do anything without a woman behind them, pointing them in the right direction. But do you know what would happen to one of those men if that woman stopped helping him? After a few moments of confusion and disorientation, he would figure it out himself! He'd be ecstatic! He'd be truly happy for the first time in his life.


Oh, he may need you, all right. Everybody needs somebody in their corner, somebody to support them, to build them up, and to cheer them on. That's what he needs you for.

Not to try to run his life for him, like every other woman in his life has been trying to do for years.

Yet another warning to women: Stop arguing!

Ladies! Haven't we talked about this already? Apparently it hasn't sunk in yet, because you're still being assholes to your men.

(And guys, this is for you too, since way too many of you are still being assholes to your women.)

Why are you still arguing with the person you're supposed to love the most in your life? Why are you correcting them, arguing them, even interrupting them to do so? Why do you do it every time they open their mouths to speak?

Let me illustrate with a couple of episodes. These are real. Only the names have been changed.

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EPISODE 1: The Texting Conversation

Your spouse or significant other just had an exciting text conversation with somebody, and they're dying to tell you about it. So they say "I just swapped a bunch of texts with Amanda Martinez," and they start telling you about it.

After a couple of sentences, you interrupt them: "Martinez ...?"

They answer, "Yeah ..."

This is when you correct them with your superior knowledge. "I don't think her name is Martinez."

---

EPISODE 2: The iTunes Playlist

You have some friends over for a party. There's good music playing. Your friends say, "This is a cool music." Your spouse or significant other says, "Yeah! It's a playlist of Phil Collins' greatest hits that I made yesterday."

This is when you correct them with your superior knowledge. "That's not Phil Collins!"

---

WHAT DO DO ABOUT IT:

Before you open your mouth to argue with your loved one, STOP. Ask yourself these three questions.

1. Are you sure they're wrong?
   
   You could both be right, you know. Maybe Amanda recently got married. One of you is thinking of her maiden name and one of you is thinking of her married name. Both names are right.
   
2. Does it matter?
   
   If your spouse is telling a story from their college days, it doesn't really matter if the trip was 30 miles or 50 miles. You may think it matters, but IT REALLY DOESN'T. Just shut the fuck up and let the moment pass. Likewise, it really doesn't matter if they refer to Amanda by her maiden name or her married name. You both know who she is.
   
3. Will speaking up about it strengthen your relationship? Or, looking at it from the other direction, will being silent about it damage your relationship?

If you can answer an honest and enthusiastic "yes" to all three of those questions, then by all means, speak up! But if you can't, then SHUT THE FUCK UP!

What's your real motivation in arguing with them?

Do they really benefit from your constant corrections? Is it making them a better person?

Does proving they're wrong, over and over again, give you more power - more control in the relationship?

Do you feel a need to keep them in their place?

Do you think they really enjoy your constant picking at them? Have they ever thanked you for it? I can tell you straight up, that they usually walk away thinking, "... What an asshole." Is that really what you want them to think?

Are you just trying to shut them up?

If one of these is your reason for arguing with them, then SHUT THE FUCK UP.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT:

Were they always wrong like this when you first fell in love with them? And you fell in love with them anyway? Then your own judgment is terribly flawed. You made a terrible mistake. If your judgment was so bad back then, then what on earth makes you feel qualified to point out their flaws now? You're nothing but a goddamned, fucking idiot.

Are they really so terrible - such awful specimens of humanity - that you feel the need to constantly point out their flaws and their mistakes to them? If so, why did you bother to get married (or whatever)? Why don't you just get up your courage to end the relationship and walk away? If they're so flawed, I'm sure you can find somebody better.

Because if you don't, someday they will.

POSTSCRIPTS

p.s. I'm pretty sure that when their phone displays "Amber Martinez texted you," it really means Martinez.
p. p.s. I'm also pretty sure that when they searched for "Phil Collins" on iTunes in order to build their playlist, they meant Phil Collins, and they only downloaded Phil Collins tunes.
p.p.p.s.  By the way, if you're guilty of doing this, then you are a pompous, self-important, stuck-up, asshole. Just thought you should know.
p.p.p.p.s. You're saying, "It's not constantly". Oh, trust me, it's constantly. You just don't realize it. Look up "fundamental attribution error" on Google, cuz you're doing it.

Another warning to women: One word is all it takes

Most women have no idea of the power of their words. They do not understand how, with one single simple word, or even just the inflection of their voice, they can turn a good day bad, or a bad day worse.

Or just the opposite: they can salvage a bad day and turn it good, or take a good day and make it spectacular. Just one single word.

There's a Biblical verse that says, "Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing? My brethren, this ought not so to be." If you had to choose between saying something to make someone feel better and saying something to make someone feel worse, which one would you choose? Why would anyone ever choose to make someone feel worse? That is, without a doubt, one of the dumbest choices you could ever make.

A case in point: A husband and wife are getting ready for work. They're both running late, but it's garbage day, so the husband is scurrying around, emptying wastebaskets. He's not upset about it; it's just something that needs to be done, as normal as brushing teeth or grabbing a coat.

But taking out the garbage was also on the wife's list, and so she says to him, "I'll take care of that."

His reply, "No, don't worry, there's only one can left."

She could smile and say, "Thank you." She should smile and say, "Thank you." Instead, she snarls "All right ...." and they don't have time for any more interaction. She's busy with her hair and makeup, and he's already late, so he takes the trash out to the trash cans, puts them on the curb, and leaves for work.

He just gave her a gift of 10 to 15 extra minutes that morning - time that he really couldn't spare himself. It was a gift from the heart. But she didn't see it that way. For her, it was a disruption to her day's plans, and a loss of control.

And for the husband, although he couldn't put it in these words, he was hurt because his wife had rejected his gift. And the last thing he heard from her, as he went out the door, was not an expression of love, but a snarl.

Ladies!
1. Why would he want to go home to that? Who wants to go home to someone who feeds them vinegar instead of honey and wine?
2. How many more times will she reject these little gifts of love before he finally gives up and stops offering them?

A Warning to All Women: Don't Stifle Your Man

I could write multiple posts about this, but let's start with this one.

Ladies! Has the man in your life ever wanted to do something by himself, like go skiing at Jackson Hole for the day, or backpacking for a week in the Tetons, and you shut him down? Then you are a goddamed, fucking, world-class, idiot.

Let me explain why.

The usual response of a woman, when a man says he wants to do something adventurous like that, is either (a) NOT to let him do it, or (b) to insist that he take you with him. Both of those are the wrong thing to do.

You see, a marriage (or a relationship) is supposed to be a partnership - usually a partnership of equals. And while you are now partners, you are also individuals. You don't surrender your individuality when you enter into this partnership. If you do, you surrender the very things that attracted the other person to you in the first place.

Not only that, but you don't surrender your freedom. A marriage or a relationship should give you a chance to grow and develop, not stifle you.

A man can't live his whole life stuck in a box. He needs to be able to stand up, stretch out, and run, screaming with wild abandon, through the open spaces of the world. If he can't do that, he becomes one of Thoreau's "mass of men, lead[ing] lives of quiet desperation."

And if you're the person who made him that way, then you might as well cut off his balls and put him on a leash. That's what you did to your dog. But you didn't join with this man because you wanted him for a pet. Did you? (If you did, then Woman, you deserve to die alone and lonely, in a dark, unheated apartment. Now.)

No, you got him because you loved the way that he was so manly, and did man things ambitious and adventurous. Why do you now want to stifle that? What gives you the authority to stifle it? You also got him because he treated you well, and did stuff for you, and encouraged you, and helped you to grow and blossom. IF YOU STOP HIM FROM DOING ALL THAT MANLY SHIT, HE WILL STOP DOING ALL THE OTHER SHIT AS WELL.

If you let your man go run that marathon, but you make sure he feels good and guilty about it, he will feel guilty on the way there, and he will start the marathon with an unnecessary load of stress. He will carry that guilt the whole time he's running. It will physically weigh him down, and he will not be at the top of his game. The distraction of the guilt may also impair his judgment, causing him to make some wrong (and possibly dangerous) decisions. And he will feel guilty all the way home. He will not look forward to seeing you, and in fact, he will fantasize about all the things he could do instead of going home to you.

If, worse, you don't let him go, if you make him stay home, he will brood about it - not just for the day or the week, but for a long, LONG time afterward. He may not show it, but it's there. This one disappointment and frustration will permanently change him, subtly altering his thought patterns and his behavior - and his feelings towards you. Is that what you wanted? Because that's what you got.

And what the hell? He indulges you, all the time. More than that, he encourages you. He never holds you back - and sometimes he even pushes you, in your timid moments. He only wants to see you happy, successful, and satisified. Why can't you do the same for him? In stifling him, you have revealed yourself as a selfish, hypocritical Queen Bitch.

Let me tell you what will happen, if you keep doing this to him. If you keep stifling him, burdening him, emasculating him, he will begin to resent you. One day you will wake up and wonder what happened to the man who used to worship the ground you walked on. Because by then, his resentment will have grown and grown, and it will have morphed into hatred - hatred that dwarfs the contempt that you have felt for him for so long. AND YOU DESERVE IT.

On the other hand, if you willingly and enthusiastically let your man stretch out once in a while, to do some man stuff by himself or with his manly buddies, he will come running back to you, with increased respect and gratitude for your support and encouragement, and more devoted to you than before.

It's your choice. And it's a pretty obvious choice. Don't be an idiot.

The Woman That I Married ...

(This is a temporary whine. I will delete it when I'm feeling better.)

The woman that I married ...

I wish she would hold onto a hug for longer than a few seconds. I'm not just a social acquaintance.

I wish she would reach out and pull me in for another hug, as if one wasn't enough.

I wish she would spontaneously kiss me, instead of just accepting my kisses all the time.

And if not that, then I wish I could stop trying to kiss her.

I wish she would come and snuggle up to me on the couch and say "whatcha doin'?" instead of spending all evening on the phone or disappearing into her craft room until one or both of us goes to bed.

I wish she would go to bed at the same time as me, and fall asleep drooling on my shoulder.

I wish she would really listen to me when I talked, and not argue, or put me down, or correct me, or give me advice, or mostly ignore me.

I wish she would tell me she loved me.

I wish I knew what I had done, all those years ago, to make her act this way.

I wish I knew a way to undo whatever it was that I did.

I wish I had never gotten married.

I wish that, rather than hide my pain, or choke it down, I could just make it go away. I wish I didn't need the love of a woman in my life, as achingly badly as I do.