Still another warning to women: Stop telling him what to do all the time!

Hello ladies!

Here I am again, with some more helpful advice on dealing with men.

I'm sure there's a man in your life who, for whatever reason, is very important to you. Maybe you're related to him. Or maybe you're in love with him. Or maybe, for some other reason, you find yourself emotionally invested in his life.

In his success, if you will.

Therefore, you feel justified in telling him what to do.

I don't mean dropping subtle hints, because you've already tried that and it doesn't work.

I don't mean gentle nudges, because you've tried that and it doesn't work, either.

And I don't mean crafty manipulation.

I mean outright telling him to do this, and to do that.

And sometimes getting frustrated with him, and yelling at him to do this or that.

Have you ever wondered how he got so far in life without your help?

The stereotypical view of adult males is that they're shallow, shortsighted, self-centered, superficial, and — oh, yes — forgetful. They need a woman's help to find their car keys, straighten their tie, decide what to do tomorrow, and decide what to do for the rest of their life.

Do you know who created that stereotype? Stereotypical women did. Do you know who believes in that stereotype, and who perpetuates it? You do.

You know, most men are deep thinkers. They just gave up trying to tell you what they were thinking, because you wouldn't listen. Or you wouldn't believe them. Or you belittled what they had to say. Or  you tried to make it all about you.

Likewise, most men don't make decisions on the spur of the moment. They put a lot of thought into their decisions, weighing options carefully. They know that, whatever decision they make, it's going to make somebody unhappy. This causes them untold agony, which they must bury and keep hidden, and just move on with their decisions.

They shouldn't have to justify their choices to you. Why do you make them do that? They get enough of that shit at work. Who made you their off-the-clock bosses?

Moreover, when you ask them why, and they tell you why, their explanation (or justification, if you'd rather) isn't good enough for you. You keep wanting to go deeper and deeper and deeper. You don't know when to stop. Eventually, he realizes that no answer he can give you will be satisfactory, and so he stops wasting his time trying. He shuts up.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot for a paragraph. These men respect you and they (well, most of them) support you in the things you choose to do. Some of them even love you, unconditionally. They will go out of their way to make things easier for you and to make you successful. Why in hell can't you do the same thing for them?

Now take a step back and look at the Long View. These men have been making their own decisions for years: getting up on time, getting themselves dressed, going to the bathroom all by themselves, pouring their own breakfast cereal, getting a driver's license, registering for college classes, applying for graduation, hunting  down jobs, buying cars and houses — and they did it all without your help.

1. Give the man some credit for having a brain.
2. Tell me why you think that the man needs you to tell  him what to do.

Now, granted, there are some men who can't seem to do anything without a woman behind them, pointing them in the right direction. But do you know what would happen to one of those men if that woman stopped helping him? After a few moments of confusion and disorientation, he would figure it out himself! He'd be ecstatic! He'd be truly happy for the first time in his life.


Oh, he may need you, all right. Everybody needs somebody in their corner, somebody to support them, to build them up, and to cheer them on. That's what he needs you for.

Not to try to run his life for him, like every other woman in his life has been trying to do for years.

Yet another warning to women: Stop arguing!

Ladies! Haven't we talked about this already? Apparently it hasn't sunk in yet, because you're still being assholes to your men.

(And guys, this is for you too, since way too many of you are still being assholes to your women.)

Why are you still arguing with the person you're supposed to love the most in your life? Why are you correcting them, arguing them, even interrupting them to do so? Why do you do it every time they open their mouths to speak?

Let me illustrate with a couple of episodes. These are real. Only the names have been changed.

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EPISODE 1: The Texting Conversation

Your spouse or significant other just had an exciting text conversation with somebody, and they're dying to tell you about it. So they say "I just swapped a bunch of texts with Amanda Martinez," and they start telling you about it.

After a couple of sentences, you interrupt them: "Martinez ...?"

They answer, "Yeah ..."

This is when you correct them with your superior knowledge. "I don't think her name is Martinez."

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EPISODE 2: The iTunes Playlist

You have some friends over for a party. There's good music playing. Your friends say, "This is a cool music." Your spouse or significant other says, "Yeah! It's a playlist of Phil Collins' greatest hits that I made yesterday."

This is when you correct them with your superior knowledge. "That's not Phil Collins!"

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WHAT DO DO ABOUT IT:

Before you open your mouth to argue with your loved one, STOP. Ask yourself these three questions.

1. Are you sure they're wrong?
   
   You could both be right, you know. Maybe Amanda recently got married. One of you is thinking of her maiden name and one of you is thinking of her married name. Both names are right.
   
2. Does it matter?
   
   If your spouse is telling a story from their college days, it doesn't really matter if the trip was 30 miles or 50 miles. You may think it matters, but IT REALLY DOESN'T. Just shut the fuck up and let the moment pass. Likewise, it really doesn't matter if they refer to Amanda by her maiden name or her married name. You both know who she is.
   
3. Will speaking up about it strengthen your relationship? Or, looking at it from the other direction, will being silent about it damage your relationship?

If you can answer an honest and enthusiastic "yes" to all three of those questions, then by all means, speak up! But if you can't, then SHUT THE FUCK UP!

What's your real motivation in arguing with them?

Do they really benefit from your constant corrections? Is it making them a better person?

Does proving they're wrong, over and over again, give you more power - more control in the relationship?

Do you feel a need to keep them in their place?

Do you think they really enjoy your constant picking at them? Have they ever thanked you for it? I can tell you straight up, that they usually walk away thinking, "... What an asshole." Is that really what you want them to think?

Are you just trying to shut them up?

If one of these is your reason for arguing with them, then SHUT THE FUCK UP.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT:

Were they always wrong like this when you first fell in love with them? And you fell in love with them anyway? Then your own judgment is terribly flawed. You made a terrible mistake. If your judgment was so bad back then, then what on earth makes you feel qualified to point out their flaws now? You're nothing but a goddamned, fucking idiot.

Are they really so terrible - such awful specimens of humanity - that you feel the need to constantly point out their flaws and their mistakes to them? If so, why did you bother to get married (or whatever)? Why don't you just get up your courage to end the relationship and walk away? If they're so flawed, I'm sure you can find somebody better.

Because if you don't, someday they will.

POSTSCRIPTS

p.s. I'm pretty sure that when their phone displays "Amber Martinez texted you," it really means Martinez.
p. p.s. I'm also pretty sure that when they searched for "Phil Collins" on iTunes in order to build their playlist, they meant Phil Collins, and they only downloaded Phil Collins tunes.
p.p.p.s.  By the way, if you're guilty of doing this, then you are a pompous, self-important, stuck-up, asshole. Just thought you should know.
p.p.p.p.s. You're saying, "It's not constantly". Oh, trust me, it's constantly. You just don't realize it. Look up "fundamental attribution error" on Google, cuz you're doing it.